Three-Word Miracle Phrase

 Three-Word Miracle Phrase

First… And… Then…

This past weekend, two fellow friends who are also educators came to visit me, and were talked about our work lives. I shared that October is often when we start to see classroom behaviors escalate. I’ve always thought of it this way: the honeymoon period of the new school year is over, routines are in place, and children now feel comfortable enough to show their displeasure about more things.

Since no two children are alike, this shift happens at different times for each child. Still, we do tend to see an increase in unexpected behaviors, like resisting routines or refusing to clean up. It’s age appropriate (and simply human) to feel disappointed about stopping one activity to move on to another. By now, children have learned the schedule, and they know the next part of the routine might be something they don’t enjoy, such as clean-up time or nap time. So we start to see resistance to classroom expectations.

Frustration looks different in the early years, but young children feel it just as we do. How do you express your frustration? I know that when I’m frustrated, I’d sometimes love to pound my fist on my desk and say a word or two that shares my displeasure! But when you’re three years old and feeling those big feelings, it’s hard to know what’s okay to do.

As we talked, one of my friends, who specializes in working with children with challenging behaviors, reminded me of a magical phrase:

First… And… Then…

Here’s how it works. When a child has been asked to clean up and doesn’t want to, we can support them with language that acknowledges the adult’s request: “First we will put the blocks in the basket, and then we will go outside.” This simple sentence states what needs to happen, and it also lets the child know they’ll soon get to something they’re looking forward to.

The phrase works for just about everything, but it’s important to validate the child’s feelings about the routine. Let’s say a child doesn’t want to scrape their plate because they know that means nap time is coming. As the teacher, I might say, “First scrape your plate, and then you can pick a favorite book to read.” In this example, I’m building the routine around giving the child a say in something they enjoy: choosing a book. Then, when nap time begins, I might follow up with, “First we will rest our bodies, and then we will have more play time.”

Using this phrase helps the adult and child avoid a power struggle. It acknowledges the action that needs to happen while reassuring the child that something enjoyable is coming soon after. Young children don’t always understand time concepts, so this kind of phrasing keeps the focus on what’s happening now and what’s coming next.

Why does it work so well? I recently came across a helpful article from Bloomwell Care, “How to Motivate Your Child with First-Then Statements,” that breaks it down. These statements are clear and predictable, so children know exactly what’s expected of them up front. They pair a less-preferred task with something truly motivating, which makes the task feel more doable. And over time, they give children more chances to succeed, which builds confidence and turns rules into routines that need fewer reminders.

The article also shares a few tips that line up with what I see in the classroom:

Know the motivation. The “then” only works if it’s something the child truly wants at that moment. If you’re not sure, ask! Children can even help create their own statement.

Keep it short and sweet. Too many words can overwhelm a young child. “First blocks, and then outside” says it all.

Be consistent. Follow through on what you offer, and use the phrase every time a routine tends to be a struggle so it becomes familiar.

Make it fun. A silly clean-up song can make a hard task a little more enjoyable.

Our youngest learners are still figuring out what to do with big feelings (and honestly, some days so are we!). First… And… Then… is a small, simple tool that shows children what’s coming and gives them something to look forward to. Give it a try this week, and don’t forget to celebrate each little win along the way.

Resource:  Bloomwell Care's "How to Motivate your Child with First-Then Statements"bloomwellcare.com