The Work of Friendship: Learning to Be Together

Exploring friendships and social-emotional development in early childhood

Friendship in early childhood is about so much more than having someone to play with. It's learning how to share ideas, communicate feelings, work through disagreements, and understand that others may see things differently than we do.

Between the ages of two and five, children's social worlds change in remarkable ways. As friendships grow, so do the opportunities to practice the skills that help us build relationships with others.

From Playing Beside to Playing Together

In our younger classrooms, we often observe children engaging in parallel play, playing alongside one another while exploring their own interests. They may use similar materials, watch what a nearby friend is doing, or imitate one another without necessarily working toward the same goal.

As children grow, their play becomes increasingly interactive and collaborative. By ages three and four, we begin to see children creating elaborate games, developing shared ideas, assigning roles, and establishing their own rules.

Recently, our Sea Stars have been bringing pipes from the sensory bin outdoors to connect with their trucks, creating their own cement trucks and construction sites. Using mulch, sand, and dirt as their "cement," they've been working together day after day to build condos, adding new ideas and possibilities to their play.

Another group has been busy creating an imaginative business that combines a doctor's office, dentist's office, and hair salon! Children take on different roles, decide who will be working, and welcome friends arriving for appointments.

What may look like simple play is actually filled with learning. Children are communicating, negotiating, problem-solving, and discovering what it means to work together.

When Friendships Get Complicated

Of course, working together isn't always easy!

What happens when two friends have different ideas? When someone changes the rules of a game? Or when a child wants to join an activity already in progress?

For three- and four-year-olds, these situations can be tricky. Children are still developing the ability to consider another person's perspective, manage strong emotions, and communicate their needs thoughtfully.

A child might say, "We don't want to play right now," when struggling to include another person's ideas in an established game. Another might make an unfiltered comment about a friend's artwork without realizing how their words could affect someone else's feelings.

These moments are common during early childhood, but that doesn't mean we simply overlook them.

Developmentally expected does not mean socially acceptable. It means children are still learning and need our guidance.

Rather than labeling a child as unkind, we can look at what they're trying to communicate and help them find more thoughtful ways to express themselves.

Supporting the Work of Friendship

In our Reggio Emilia-inspired approach, we recognize children as capable learners who build understanding through experiences and relationships.

As educators, we observe, listen, and step in when children need support. Sometimes that means helping a child find the words to explain their ideas. Other times, it means helping friends understand how their actions affected someone else or work toward a solution together.

We might ask, "How can we explain the rules of your game?" or "What could we do differently so everyone feels heard?"

These everyday conversations help children practice empathy, express boundaries, and learn how to work through disagreements. We also recognize that children need adults to maintain a safe, caring environment while these skills are developing.

Growing a Community of Belonging

Friendship doesn't mean children will always agree, choose the same playmates, or want to participate in the same activities.

It means learning how to communicate, respect one another, share experiences, and reconnect when things don't go as planned.

Whether children are building condos in the sandbox, running an imaginary doctor's office, or figuring out how to include another idea in their play, they are doing important work.

Our goal isn't to create a childhood without disagreements. It's to create a community where children feel safe, valued, and supported as they learn to navigate relationships.

Because learning how to be together is some of the most important work of early childhood.